Thursday, May 12, 2005

Good thing about myself #4 - I have a healthy imagination.

It was terribly slow at work today, so in between the small amount of customers and even smaller amount of tasks, I worked on something that Sylvana put up. Pick five careers from a list, and write about what you would do. It was an interesting exercise; a lot more fun than I had initially imagined. So, here it is.

If I could be a musician, I would learn at least six different instruments, but three of them would be obscure and have unweildly names - the sousaphone, the harpsichord, and the glockenspiel - and i would drag them out at all of my live shows. The first three albums would all have the same album and song titles, but the name of the band, genre, and actual songs would change with each release. I would finally be able to do my trifecta of punk rock covers of "Maggie May", "Roxanne", and "Lola", and would also do a jazz album of nothing but Miles Davis compositions. I would have opening acts that I wanted, not ones foisted upon me by my record company, and they would be samplings of various genres and nationalities to expand the musical horizons of the audience.
Most importantly, I would finally be able to complete my funk song "Love Spatula", with the immortal lyric: "I'm going to flip you with my love spatula, so you'll get done on both sides."

If I could be a chef, I would behave as though my kitchen crew was a band of pirates; I would wear an eye-patch, threaten to keel-haul the wait staff, and say "Yarrr!" a lot, to keep up morale. I would rule with an iron fist, and would hire a sous-chef who was extremely devious and deviant, to ensure loyalty and camaraderie. I would smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, and drink coffee until I could scramble an egg in its shell by holding it. I would avoid "fusion" recipes, mostly because I think I would screw it up, and instead stick to dishes you could make with no more than eight ingredients, so that the flavours would be fresh and uncomplicated. My Food Network show would be called "Emeril is an Untalented Hobbit", and I would have a successful line of high-quality, low-priced cooking implements that would be the only items you would need to run a domestic kitchen; no eighteen-piece knife sets or whisk/spatula/cheese graters.

If I could be a comic book artist, I woud achieve the following eight dream projects over the course of my career:
1. Do a MiracleMan relaunch with Alan Moore.
2. Work with Stan Lee on a twelve-issue limited series called "The Amazingly True Adventures of Stan The Man", which would be collected as his official autobiography.
3. Draw a Martian Manhunter detective series with Garth Ennis.
4. Creating an original character with Grant Morrison, and do a number of limited series that people will complain were "too hard to understand" but would read anyways.
5. Draw the issue of X-Men where they kill Wolverine. Permanently.
6. Do a "Seven Soldiers"-esque project with DC comics, but instead of having one writer and seven artists, have seven different writers from all over the world.
7. Start a publishing company that specializes in non-superhero, sci-fi, or fantasy comics.
8. Write the forward to the collected edition of a six issue limited "Transmetropolitan" relaunch by Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson.

If I could be a biker, I would dress like an Urban Cowboy, with a dark brown cowboy hat, black cowboy boots, a fringe vest, and have saddlebags on my bike, which would be a low-riding Harley-Davidson. I would start up a mobile library program full of nothing but bikers, who would ride around the city delivering books to home-bound and hospital-bound people. I would NOT be so tacky as to hang out in the parking lots of donut shops or fast food restaurants. None of the guys in my crew would speed through school zones. I would be a familiar face in the neighborhood; the rebel with a heart of gold. And all of my arrests would be misdemeanors.

If I could be an athlete, my sport of choice would be the luge, partly because I'd need to maintain a very low body fat index and I've always wanted to be skiny, but mostly because I just enjoy the idea of Extreme Toboggan. I would compete at three Winter Olympic games, but the highest medal I would recieve would be a Silver, because I don't think I could be THAT good at anything. I would retire and become a commentator for the CBC, and would work hard to raise the profile of the luge across the nation. I would get only small merchandising deals, but that's okay because I'd need to actually approve of any products I would endorse. I would come out of retirement at age fifty to compete in whatever event Canada had the least people competing for spots in for the Winter Olympics, make it in, and be remembered as "that crazy old guy who came in last thay year but everyone cheered for."

Quite a bit of geeky stuff there - especially the comic artist one - but I think all of those would be a LOT of fun.


Sylvana said...

You know, when I first got the challenge to do it, I thought it would be a chore, but it was actually fun.
By the way- I love, simply, LOVE the harpsichord!

Jago said...

There is no way, and I mean no way you can permanently kill a comic book character.

Especially Wolverine. Because somewhere down the road, some writer's going to want to bring him back because they've got a great idea for him or his return.

Nature of the beast, Dev. Nature of the beast...